Diane’s Story
Diane’s relationship started when she was in her late adolescence and he was in his mid-30s. She recalls sitting at a bar, where he bought her multiple drinks despite her being underage. She described telling him that she didn’t like the taste but he told her, “I spent $24; you're going to drink it."
She later woke up in a hotel, feeling disoriented: "All I remember was a ceiling, not my ceiling, and a man's watch and wedding ring on the dresser next to the bed, and my dress over the top of a chair." He told her, "You're my girlfriend now," marking the start of their relationship.
Diane described their second sexual encounter as "really weird," feeling like he "maneuvered me into oral sex." He also once took her to a friend's house to strip for his friends, a group of adult men, “without my consent or knowledge" but she refused to participate
Over time, Diane began to distance herself from her family, who disapproved of the age gap in their relationship. In response, the boyfriend repeatedly told her, "They all hate you."
In the early phase of the relationship, he would call Diane many times a day, and would rely on her as a therapist of sorts. He would tell her about the issues he was having in his marriage and even told her she could “help him get out of his marriage.” He said, "I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing [with you], so when she puts me out and my kids ask where I am, I can blame her." After his divorce, he would repeatedly guilt her by saying, "I divorced my wife for you; I moved out of my house for you!"
The years of their relationship were very stressful for Diane but when sharing her concerns about missing her family, her boyfriend responded, "You knew what you were getting into. You’re so worried about what you lost; think about what I’ve lost!" He mocked her hopes of reconciliation: "What do you think, they’re going to welcome you back?" He continued,"You're going to tell these God-fearing people that they raised a whore?"
She reflected on those times saying, "When the glue of your relationship is guilt, shame, fear, and manipulation, you shouldn't be in it."
Diane also supported him financially, knowing she made more money: "I knew that I made more money [than him]; everything he had, I gave him." He would sometimes claim he had no money, waiting for her to pay at restaurants or shopping, and once booked a vacation expecting her to cover it. To regain some control, she set up a direct deposit so she could keep a small part of her paycheck.
Anytime she tried to leave the relationship, he would go on hunger strike. He would call and leave voicemails on her phone saying, "I'm not eating until we are back together." She estimated this occurred about a dozen times, often manipulated into guilt by his claims of sacrifice. One time he showed up drunk at her workplace and blocked her car in the lot, threatening, "If anything happens to me, it's your fault." He hadn’t eaten in four days.
There was one instance of physical violence: while she was in the shower, he responded to her mentioning another man's name by "choking me out in the shower." When she locked herself in her room, he broke in, acting like a “completely different person,” asking, "Why would you make me do that to you?"
Diane felt trapped, saying her dreams of having her own family were slipping away. When she considered fostering children, he responded, "That's going to take time away from me. I just love you so much; I need your time." She stopped pursuing this dream as a result of the pressure she felt from him. Toward the end of their relationship, he would wish out loud "I wish I could get you pregnant so you could never leave [me]."
